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Sarah

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I'm loving this song! [10 Feb 2006|03:45pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I want to make you happy
But I’ve fallen, I’m sorry
I thought my wings could hold me up
with angels not demons
you don’t know how cool you are
to find the ways to love me without shame

I want my life to be red
with trees and like Autumn
I’d float away from evil and
Down towards the healing
so sad now we have become
the children trapped in the mazes
I’d give my soul to the one who has the courage
to find me and free me now

if I run I’ll just become like all the faking lights
so let the thunders take me under
and break my legs tonight

were meant to live for something more

This May Never Start, We Could Fall Apart: [13 Jan 2006|01:23pm]
[ mood | sick ]

"Memory"

This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Can I be your enemy?
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
Tearing out my heart.
I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
(I'd be your memory)
Feelings disappear.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?
Can I be your memory?

were meant to live for something more

An Understanding: [08 Nov 2005|02:29am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I'm sorry for what I've done, but I'm not sorry that I've done it. I'm not asking for forgiveness; just an understanding. There are reasons why, but you might consider them hurtful. I have nightmares of my wrong doing, but I ask myself, "Was it so wrong?" My conscience will never be clear, as I have not been clear to you. If I told you why, would you ever understand? Would you see past your hurt and see mine? To be sorry for the action, but not for the reasons. Will you ever understand that that's just who I am? A person of conscience, I will forever be haunted. I will embrace you as a friend I once had, but we can be no more. Will you ever understand? This is more for my benefit than yours. It's wrong to leave you in the dark. You are still hanging on when I would have given up. Just remember the good times; there never really were any bad. I hate myself for running away like I did and for that I am sorry; for that, I will ever be ashamed. Will you ever understand?

1 were meant to live for something more

Eagerly Awaiting: [18 Aug 2005|04:40pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

1 were meant to live for something more

Tears of Sadness: [19 Jul 2005|12:03pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I just want to know if everyone agrees with me that Harry Potter 6 was fucking sad. I totally cried at the end of it and now I am impatient for the next and last book.

1 were meant to live for something more

The time has come... [11 May 2005|03:04pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

and it's time for me to go. The goodbyes are killing me, but I wouldn't trade anything. It looks like I'm leaving tomorrow morning and on my way to my mom's from there. I will spend some time there and then go to Washington. I will miss Cali. It's been my home since I was born. A new state; a new life. It sounds exciting, but it's fucking scary. I don't know what to expect. I hope to survive it. Everything is packed and ready to go. This house is so empty, like no one has ever lived here for the 12 years that my family has. There's a melancholy seeping throughout these walls. My last night, my last hours in my home. I'll miss the good times and try to forget the bad. I will hear a song and remember times long past in a state I will barely remember. The salt air is still vivid to me, but it won't always be that way. Goodbye to my home and the friends I leave behind. I will forever think back on this place and feel the love that I thought I never had. Thank you.

Peace, love and some tears,
Sarah

P.S. I'm not quitting this journal. Just saying goodbye for a little bit.

were meant to live for something more

So, when was the last time I updated? [02 May 2005|10:02am]
[ mood | excited ]

Anyway, it's Monday. A new start to the week and I'm excited. Tuesday is my last day of work. Yeah!!! I'm sad also, because my friends at work all bought me a card and wrote some heartfelt goodbyes. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, so I had to hold it in. My birthday is in two freakin' days. Can you believe it, 21? God, where did the time go. Probably worrying about trivial crap and look, your 21. I should be out of here by the 9th or 10th. Escrow closes on the 9th and I have a feeling I will start feeling relieved when the house is really in possession of the new owners. Right now, I'm on edge expecting a call any day saying, guess what, they don't want the house. That will now do at all. I always dread when we get a phone call now. Hopefully everything will go through. I hope everyone is doing well, I miss you all and I really don't know what else to say. I've been saving money to get plane tickets to Washington to visit my family there. Then going to Missouri from there should be the next step. Getting settled there is going to be weird. I was joking around with a friend of mine giving her permission to smack me if I come back with a drawl, mullet, shot gun; something along that extent. I'm not signing off yet, so there will be a couple of more updated until I leave. And from there, trying to find a computer to borrow. I'll talk later.

Peace, love and a plane ticket for me,
Sarah

PS: Any suggestions on getting a plane ticket cheap will be appreciated.

1 were meant to live for something more

I love the rain [28 Apr 2005|07:53pm]
[ mood | refreshed ]

I just spent ten minutes walking home in the rain and I feel refreshed. It's one of the few times I've done it and I always feel calm afterwords. When I walk, it gives me time to think about things. I love it. It's probably the only time I get to do that. Just walk and think about the things that are going on around me. It gives me peace of mind. It makes me feel that everything's going to be alright; that I'll be alright. I'll make it; I'll survive. I get home all drenched and I don't even care. It's a new beginning.

Peace, love and a shower of rain to you,
Sarah

were meant to live for something more

Hello to all [14 Apr 2005|10:00am]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Today is my day off, so I'm bumming around. I have all of these movies to watch. And yes, one of them is a new John Travolta movie; A Love Song For Bobby Long. It's very sad and very good, if you're into dramas and indies. I also watched Birth; a very interesting movie. I'm going to watch Suspect Zero, House of Flying Daggers, Meet the Fockers and Primer. That's enough for a couple of days, right? Anyway, my time with my mom sucked. She went back to her old tricks and we got into a fight. I freaked out on her, because she loves going to swap meets and things like that. I can not stand those places. I get anxiety attacks or something. I start to freak out. My mom thinks it's a joke so she doesn't take it seriously. I try to be nice and stay for like 20 minutes, but then it hits me and I tell her we need to go. She gets all defensive and says that I don't tell her what to do. I freak out on her and start yelling. I'm never like that. I feel so bad for doing it, but she doesn't seem to respect the way I feel. She's never understood me and she keeps reminiscing when she 'says' we were close. Probably when I was a baby, because I can't honestly remember a time when we were close. Anyway, I don't have much else to say. Talk to you later.

Peace, love and chocolate for everyone (I'm craving it for some reason),
Sarah

4 were meant to live for something more

Sunday, Sunday [10 Apr 2005|09:54pm]
[ mood | content ]

Well, it looks like we can't go to Disneyland, because my mom can't afford it. It's no big deal to me, but I felt bad for my little sister. She called me in tears; she had her heart set on going, I guess. We saw Sahara yesterday. Pretty good if you're into eye candy. It kept me entertained, though. I really want to see The Jacket, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Maybe my mom will take me...she's reading over my shoulder, so I'm giving her grief every time I get a chance. I actually bought some clothes the other day. I'm not much of a clothes shopper, but I decided to binge on myself. I should be back home on Tuesday, but I'm not looking forward to going back to work. Hopefully I'll be leaving soon. Maybe? Maybe not? It's been a stressful time, but vacations are meant for relaxation, right? So, I'm trying to relax. But I really can't at this moment, because my mom is looking over my shoulder. Stop it. That bugs me. I don't have much else to say, so I'm leaving you guys. I'll talk later.

Peace, love and a mother looking over your shoulder,
Sarah

were meant to live for something more

Mean thoughts and cheap shots: [07 Apr 2005|08:58am]
[ mood | complacent ]

One more day until I go to Disneyland with my mom. I'm kind of looking foreword to it. I've probably said this before, but I've never been anywhere like that with her. It was always with my grandma and cousins or my dad. Surprisingly, work was fun yesterday. It was really dead, so I got done with the regular stuff and waited for the guy to deliver the new movies. I even got to leave an hour early. Today is my day off, thank god for that. I might walk over to Walmart, but I already bought Spanglish. I'll just walk around and look, maybe have some lunch. A nice quiet day to myself. I have to work tomorrow and wait for my mom to tell me what time she's coming to get me. We're probably having dinner down here, too. I almost bought an X-Box yesterday. $209 for the system, an extra controller, a dvd remote, a game and the game's guide. It was a very good deal, but my dad talked me out of it. I have to save money for Disneyland. He always does that to me. Makes me feel guilty for spending my money that I work hard for. My friends are all asking me what I want for my birthday. The truth is I really don't want anything. The things I do want are way too expensive for anyone to ask for a birthday present. Like maybe an I-Pod or an X-Box. But those are things that I have been saving up for, so I'm not expecting anything like that. Oh, well. It should be fun whatever they plan to do. I guess, I'll talk later. I don't really have much else to say.

Peace, love and a song of the day,
Sarah

were meant to live for something more

Bite me time change: [05 Apr 2005|02:57pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

As if I didn't feel exhausted already, we have to change the time so I lose another hour of sleep. I had to do inventory at 6 a.m. today; not a pretty picture waking up. My dad's being a little bitch about the house. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. He's freaking out like we're never going to sell it. For most of you, okay all, that's a good thing. But for us, it's depressing and we are driving each other insane. We just want to get out of here. My dad thinks we should lower the price a little, because it's been two months since our house has been on the market. Just two months and two asshat buyers who backed out of the deal. I will cut them all!!! No one can live around my dad when he's upset. He'll find some way to make you upset, then all hell will break lose. I seriously don't want to be around him right now. I guess I'm done with my rant. I am pretty tired. I think I'll take a nap...yes, that sounds good.

Peace, love and a huge sleeping pill for me,
Sarah

4 were meant to live for something more

The Start of a New Month: [01 Apr 2005|09:00am]
[ mood | blah ]

That should be a good thing, right? I guess in some ways it is, but it doesn't feel like a new beginning right now. A little more than a month and I turn 21. An early Happy Birthday to Ciara and Steve; in case I forget or don't update on time. I saw the last showing of Phantom of the Opera last night in Mera Mesa. I love that movie. I know I suck for liking musicals, but at least I admit it. I'm going to Disneyland in exactly one week, so at least I can be happy about that. I get to see my mom, my little sister and family on my mom's side who I haven't seen in years. I have to get ready for work now, so I'll leave you.

Peace, love and paycheck for me(it's payday!!!),
Sarah

1 were meant to live for something more

Monday rolls around again and I'm still here: [28 Mar 2005|08:34am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

It's another Monday. Another start of a week. Another week that I'm still here. Another couple of weeks until I go to Disneyland. Another month until my birthday (that I can't even drink at). And all of this time I will be working at a place I don't want to be anymore. I guess I'm just waiting it out. I am getting my license soon and paying insurance. My dad lost his job so he isn't very happy around the house. Financially, we are fine, but he's still being an asshole. I'm not supposed to tell anyone about it, but this is safe, so I'm saying it here. I'm in this melancholy state right now and no one likes me this way, but I'm saying that I don't fucking care anymore and this is how I'm feeling right now. If you don't like it, you don't have to be around me. I don't have the money to go anywhere, because my dad borrowed it from me. Hence, me needing to stay at my job where the stupidest people go to rent and expect you to wait hand and foot on them. Fuck them. I'm not you're slave. Pick your fucking movie and get the fuck out. I don't care if it isn't in anymore. I don't control policy, I don't control people. You want the movie? You wait just like everyone else. And guess what? I'm on my break, so I'm not helping you.

I guess I'm done with that. I feel a little better, but nothing seems to be working out. I feel like this horrible person, but I have no control over what's happening to me. Oh, well. That's life, I guess.

Peace, love and a big hug for me,
Sarah

1 were meant to live for something more

VIVA N. LAS VEGAS!!! [23 Mar 2005|02:49pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I'm back from Vegas and a I had a great time. The drive seemed shorter coming home than going there. Poor Jaime, having to drive the whole way (ha ha ha). Anyway, some disappointing news is that I've fond out that I can't drink anymore. Any time I smell or come near alcohol, I gag. It makes me sick. My birthday is really going to suck. I know drinking isn't everything, but dammit I wanted to drink and I couldn't!!! I did find out that my friends are closet drinkers and sloppy drunks. I love it!!! I need to do laundry and sleep. I'm so tired. Just wanted to update and say that my trip was awesome. That's about it.

Peace, love and all the alcohol you want (I can't drink it),
Sarah

1 were meant to live for something more

I haven't felt like updating in a while: [18 Mar 2005|08:52am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Too much stress to talk about and I haven't really felt like talking about it anyway. Good things though: The manager, whom everyone hates and almost made me walk out on Saturday, is finally getting fired. I'm going to Vegas this weekend. Happy Birthday to Iris, I'm sorry I'm missing it. And we are having an open house to finally sell this place so I can get the hell out of here. I feel like I'm going insane, really. I need to leave desperately. This should be a good trip. Last night, I watched Finding Neverland. How great of a movie is that? It was very magical in a way. I'm going to buy it on Tuesday. I also watched Bridget Jones' 2. It was cute, but not as good as the first one. I then watched Closer. Well, great performances all around. The context...was a bit crude, but once I got my fit of the giggles out of the way, I enjoyed the movie. You just have to be prepared for it, is all. I want to buy Bon Voyage. It's a french film, totally great movie. That's about all for now. Later gator.

Peace, love and road trip for the weekend,
Sarah

were meant to live for something more

I'm so fucking pist!! [11 Mar 2005|10:41pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Well, it looks like I'm not moving after all. I will be moving, don't get me wrong, but the fuckers who wanted our house couldn't even make it through from escrow. The guy lost his job, I guess. It does make sense, but I'm just pissed. I was really amped to go. Making plans and everything....I just want to leave already. Now I have to take back my two week notice from work, ask for another week off for Disneyland and have an open house next weekend. This is all so frustrating. AHHHH!!!! I don't know what to do right now. I'm just....really pissed. I know I'm ranting, but fuck it; I'm pissed!!!! Well, I guess that's about all for my rant.

Peace, love and...no, I'm too pissed. THERE IS NO LOVE RIGHT NOW!!!
Sarah

were meant to live for something more

Just about a month to go: [09 Mar 2005|09:45am]
[ mood | anxious ]

Well, it looks like my last day of work is the 1st. Giving my notice was very gratifying. It felt really good. I like my job, but I don't think I will miss it. It's my co-workers I will miss. They were good friends to me and even better co-workers. They were the reason I went through the sometimes hell blockbuster can be. I'll be gone the 18th through the 23rd to Vegas!!! I can't gamble, but it's cool to walk around and visit a friend that also lives there. Trying to check things off my "things to do before I leave" list. Hopefully I will get through them. If I don't I'm apologizing before hand; to myself and the people that I don't get to. I expected to have more time, but time is an ugly thing when you procrastinate.(shakes fist) Anyway, this is more of a mental note-to-self so I can remember. I'm going to see my mom the last two weeks I'm here. We are going to Disneyland and then I'm going to fly out to Washington to visit family there. During this time my parents are driving to Missouri, renting a place and getting situated. I'll fly out there after Washington and see how my life goes on from there. Wow! That's a lot. I don't think I've ever had that much going for me at once.

I think I'm going to walk to Wall Mart today and buy Stage Beauty today; love that film. Maybe some other things too, I haven't decided. I really have to save my money for plane tickets and everything else.

I'm a little scared for what's to come. I have now idea at all. I usually like to be in control of things; it's a safety thing. But, I'm not in control of anything. It's making me irritable and anxious. I don't like this feeling. I'm leaving everything I have ever cared about. I'm sorry I'm leaving, but this is the direction my life is going and I have to go along with it. I will be back some day. I'll still have this journal for you all to know what's going on with me. And I'll try to update when I can.

Peace, love and a goodbye hug for all of you,
Sarah

PS: Catch the new Star Wars trailer on the O.C. at eight tonight.

2 were meant to live for something more

It's finally happened!!! [01 Mar 2005|07:49pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Someone has made an offer to buy the house and the realtors are here right now with the paper work. All we have to do is wait for escrow to get through and then we are gone. :( This is not goodbye yet, but I'm just letting everyone know. I'll still have this journal no matter what, though. I called my mom and little sister to tell them, but they didn't seem too happy. If this is the response I'm going to get from my own mother, I'm not talking about it with anyone else. Please be happy for me. I need this chance to go on with my life. I'll always come back here to visit, but visiting some place means you have to leave it first. I'm sorry, but it's true and I have enough grief about leaving as it is. I'll talk later. Have fun and I love you all.

Peace, love and a sold sign for me,
Sarah

were meant to live for something more

Back from hollywood!!! [26 Feb 2005|05:14pm]
[ mood | excited ]

So, Friday night I spend the night at my friend Iris' house and we wake up at 5:30 to leave by 6. I was the navigator, so naturally we got turned around once or twice. We made to Hollywood fine and saw the Kodak Theater all spiffied up for the Oscars. We were running late looking for parking, so we couldn't hang around. We walked to the Egyptian Theater from there and waited in line with the rest of Iris' RTV class. The whole Q&A lasted about 2 and a half hours. The editors answered questions, told stories about their experiences and talked about the movies that they are and were involved in. They showed clips from the films and everything. After wards, Iris and I walked back to the Kodak Theater and took pictures with the huge Oscar statue. There was media everywhere. I couldn't stand being in such a congested place. I guess I'm used to growing up in the suburbs. Anyway, I had a fantastic time. It was great to be there. And see the great talent of film get together and just talk to them. These people are artists and I really respect them for that. I'll try posting some pictures later. I've got to pee now, so I'll leave. Later.

Peace, love and a potty break for me,
Sarah

1 were meant to live for something more

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